


A Toad's Guide To Passing Literature Class Without Reading the Book

by toad_in_the_road



Category: A Tale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens, Dante's Inferno - Fandom, Hamlet - Shakespeare, No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: A Tale of Two Cities - Freeform, A surprising amount of sexism, Characters go to Hell, Charles Dickens - Freeform, Educational, Eternal Punishment, French Revolution, Gen, Hell, I make reading fun, Like it's kind of embarrassing, Mental Health Issues, Nine Circles of Hell, Plot Twists Galore, Roman Catholicism, Shakespeare, Shakespearean Language, Sinners, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Victorian Fiction, Why Did I Write This?, dante's inferno, im gay, non-fiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2020-12-28 14:03:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21137906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toad_in_the_road/pseuds/toad_in_the_road
Summary: Reading can suck. Especially if you don't want to read. Especially if you HAVE to read.Well, fear not! Sparknotes boring you? Well, add a little flavor with my comprehensive guides to those older-than-dinosaur books that make you break out in hives! Each chapter contains my own summary own each book, along with a little sprinkling of analysis for flavor.Updated weekly, and suggestions for books to cover are welcome and encouraged!Happy reading! (Or not)





	1. Hamlet

WOOO WELCOME TO THE SHAKESPEARE PLAY ABOUT A DANISH PRINCE WHO IS LESS DECISIVE THAN THE U.S GOVERNMENT, HOLDS A HUMAN SKULL NAMED YORICK, AND MAY HAVE INCESTOUS URGES TO HIS MOM. 

ALSO THE LION KING IS BASED OFF THIS SOOOO 

Little known fact, most of Shakespeare's plays (like 99.9%) were ripped off directly from another play. Shakespeare was the only person to ever create successful reboots.

Woaaaaah buddy his wife Anne Hathaway (!!!) was 26. And he was 18. Not only was he married to a famous actress that existed hundreds of years after him, but she was also older than him! 

(That's a joke her named was actually Anne Hathaway but as far as I know she isn't the actress)

She was also pregnant. His first daughter (bastard) was named Susanna. His twins were Judith and Hamnet. (Pffft poor kid)

OH SHOOT HAMNET DIED UHHH SORRY WILLIAM

Shakespeare's dad was a dentist like Chris Evans’ father.

The town is called ELSA-nor. I’m sorry.

Amleth is the original Hamlet which Shakespeare STOLE. 

ROLLLLLLLLL CALLLLLLLLLL!

FORTINBRAS! PRINCE OF NORWAY!

DEAD KING FORTINBRAS! KILLED BY DAD HAMLET

AND UNCLE KING FORTINBRAS OMG PLEASE STOP

GERTRUDE, HAMLET’S MOM!

POLONIUS, CLAUDIUS’ SNEAK IGOR AND LAERTES AND OPHELIA’S FATHER!

OPHELIA IS HAMLET’S GIRLFRIEND! SHE HAS A SONG 

HORATIO IS HAMLET’S BUDDY FROM COLLEGE. HE’S THERE. HE’S SOLID. HE IS THE SOBER FRIEND WHO IS SOBER VOLUNTARILY SO HE CAN BE THE DESIGNATED DRIVER.

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN ARE DEAD (references) BUT ALSO CHILDHOOD FRIENDS 

**ACT ONE**

_Scene One_

We open in a spoopy cold castle scene. 

So these people get in the castle. Boom.

“I think there’s a ghost. I’m not sure but- OHHHHHHH MY GOOOOOOOOOD THERE IT IS HOLY SH-”

“HORATIO YOU’RE A SCHOLAR GO TALK TO IT.”

“WOW, DOESN’T IT LOOK LIKE THE KING WHO RECENTLY AND MYSTERIOUSLY DIED? HEY GHOST-it’s gone.”

Apparently this dead king (who’s the ghost btw in case you haven’t figured it out) recently murdered the elder Fortinbras, the king of Norway.

The ghost returns for some ungodly reason and they try to talk to him but he just gives him the COLD SHOULDER (get it cause it’s winter and he’s a ghost)

They decided to show young Hamlet the ghost of his dead father because what could possibly go wrong (hint: anything and everything)

_Scene Two_

Claudius is like “Yeah it sucks my brother is dead and I got to marry his wife within a month of his death but yes I’m grieving” which is BS SCAR WE KNOW YOUR PLAN

He likes using oxymorons because he’s a villain. 

“Fortinbras wants to attack us because he knows about the king’s death. He wants to get us and take his land back. But who cares not me.”

They sent a letter to King Fortinbras who is apparently sick. Young prince Fortinbras also using mercenaries or something to fight because history shows this is a great idea. But I mean he has nothing to lose so look out I guess (hint: this is the subplot you tend to forget about)

AND YET THEY DECIDE TO THREATEN HIM WITH A LETTER IDIOTS YOU ALL ARE GONNA DIE

Laertes wants to leave to Paris because he’s a Cool Teenager ™ 

“Sure no prob man you can go, have fun. Hey, my family and son Hamlet-”  
“Don’t call me son ew”  
“Why are you still sad about your dead dad it’s been like a month stop being so gloomy”  
“I’m not gloomy, actually, I’ve had too much son time”  
*airhorns. Sunglasses fall on Hamlet as someone offstage screams BOOM ROASTED*

Hamlet’s mom is strangely chill with this she’s like yeah kid stop being a debbie downer everyone dies eventually why are you taking it so personally. Hamlet is like IT’S BECAUSE I’M GRIEVING WOW. Claudius is like awwww that’s so sweet but seriously your time is up to be sad you’re acting like a stupid wuss so knock it off. And to put the icing on the cake he calls Hamlet a failure. Also he tells Hamlet not to go to school so he can spy on him.

Hamlet is like fine maybe I’ll listen until the two leave. Then he’s like “WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE AGAINST THE BIBLE TO KILL MYSELF GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY IT’S ALL GONE TO SEED (he literally says seed to like, represent how he has to start all over I think I’m not totally sure). UGH WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE STILL SAD IT WASN’T EVEN TWO MONTHS DAD WAS A GOOD KING AND MOM LOVED HIM WHY ISN’T SHE STILL UPSET THAT FAKE JEEZ THIS IS SO GROSS AND THEY PROBABLY DID INCEST I HATE THIS BUT I CAN’T SAY ANYTHING” 

Does he realize this really isn’t incest? I mean it’s disrespectful but not incest. He’s way too focused on his mom’s sex life but we all knew that

Horatio comes in like hey man, i’m here to support you in this hard time. And Hamlet is like and also to see my mom get married again. And he’s like uh well they’re basically at the same time so and uHHH ALSO I THINK I SAW YOUR DAD’S GHOST?!?!

Hamlet’s like what no way this I gotta see. 

_Scene Three_

Aaaaaand here comes Laertes and Ophelia. 

Laertes is like don’t trust Hamlet he’s gonna break your heart and he can’t marry you anyway cause he’s a prince. And Ophelia’s like well don’t be a hypocrite.

Polonius arrives and waves bye to Laertes. 

“So what did your brother say to you”  
“Don’t trust Hamlet, but I really like him and he likes me-”  
“THAT’S STUPID”  
“What, no it’s not, jeez”  
“IF YOU SELL YOURSELF SHORT TO HIM YOU’LL MAKE ME LOOK BAD”  
“He’s fine you’re overreacting-”  
“I AM NOT YOU CAN’T SEE HIM ANYMORE”  
“Jeez okay stop yelling”

This scene was tedious to read and wasn’t even important

_Scene Four_

Hamlet and his buddies are waiting for the ghost. It’s cold.

Apparently the dead king is playing ghost in the graveyard because here he comes at midnight

“Dad?! Is this where you’ve been all the time?!”  
*ghost starts to leave*  
“nO DAD WAIT-”

Hamlet wants to follow the ghost and the others are like dude no are you crazy.  
Hamlet does it anyway because he’s a Cool Teenager ™ 

“We should probably follow Hamlet so he doesn’t do anything stupid”  
“Uggggh fine.”

_Scene Five_

“Hey ghost what’s your deal you be better tell me-”  
“SHUT UP AND PAY ATTENTION”  
“OKAY OKAY SORRY”

OMG KING HAMLET WAS MURDERED BY CLAUDIUS WHO WANTED THE POWER AND HIS BRO’S WIFE WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING (hint: everyone)

There’s a lot of focus about how incestous Claudius and Gertrude are can we stop

“Bye son see you never”  
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

Hamlet’s friends return. Finally.

PFFFT APPARENTLY WHEN THIS WAS PERFORMED, THE GHOST IS SCREAMING AT THEM FROM LITERALLY UNDER THE STAGE

“Hamlet this is weird”  
“Well Horatio there are things beyond your knowledge” Damn Hamlet he’s just trying to help, didn’t need to roast him

And thus Hamlet has his mission. To die so Denmark is set right. I guess. 

**ACT TWO**

_Scene One_

Polonius is telling his servant Reynaldo to send money and stuff to Laertes because he’s but a poor college student probably

“Spy on Laertes Reynaldo his friends seem sketch”

Meanwhile Ophelia is freaking out because Hamlet is acting like a nutjob. He’s...sniffing her. Hey, Hamlet could you fake insanity in a NON-perverted way k thanks.

_Scene Two_

Claudius and Gertrude invite Hamlet’s childhood friends Rosencrantz and Guildenstern over because everyone knows that grief is a great time to socialize. 

(I looked it up, turns out it actually is but like these two poor bastards don’t help much and just get themselves killed so)

Polonius comes in I know why Hamlet’s going crazy guys do you want the deets. Jk jk here’s the Norway ambassador first tune in after this commercial break.

“Gertrude, we’re gonna find out why Hamlet’s mad!”  
“Claudius, I think it might be that his dad is dead and we got married”  
“Ehhhh well we’ll see”

Voltemand (VOLDEMORT) has been off with new king Fortinbras (NKF) and the NKF is like yaaaay marriage. And then he’s like hey we gotta stop Prince Fortinbras from building up his army and marching over. I feel like they’re not taking this seriously. They just tell him to stop. And he doesn’t listen. He wants to go through Denmark which is a horrible idea. But Claudius is like lol sure little Fortinbras pass on through. Jeez what a mess.

Polonius is like oh and Hamlet is insane because he’s in love. He also wastes time doing so. Then he waxes annoyingly philosophical. Gertrude is like for the love of God get to the point. He doesn’t. 

They read a really embarrassing love letter Hamlet wrote to Ophelia. He talks about her boobs and gives some confusing oxymorons and paradoxes. Polonius also criticizes Hamlet’s grammar, and then tells the Queen to shush. Gertrude please hit him, you already have such an awful name, show some autonomy

Hamlet comes in and acts like an insane jerk to everyone, calling Polonius a pimp, maybe.  
Hamlet subtlety insults Polonius all Marauder’s Map style. 

I CAN’T TYPE OUT ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN ANYMORE I’M CALLING THEM GUIL AND ROZ.

Roz and Guil pop out like hey Hamlet buddy chum friend pal. 

They make jokes about having sex with Fortune I guess. HORNY MALES ™ 

Hamlet: *edgy and dark things*  
Roz and Guil: *laughing it off*

Wow turns out this play DOES apply to modern times then

Hamlet’s like I know you guys are spying on me and Roz and Guil are like WHAAAT N-NO OF COURSE NOT

And he whips out a flute and is like okay play this. And his friends are like uh...we can’t play it. And then Hamlet whirls around with the fires of hell in his eyes and says BUT YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD PLAY ME BITCH

If I can use that burn once in my life I’ll be able to die happy

Hamlet has the actors do a play that's similar to how Claudius killed Hamlet's dad to see if Claudius reacts, thus proving his guilt

“THESE ACTORS ARE BETTER AT GETTING REVENGE THAN ME AND IT’S NOT EVEN REAL LIKE WOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME”

JEEZ THIS IS A LONG SCENE. IT WAS LIKE THE ENTIRETY OF ACT TWO.

But we did have that fabulous roast so

**ACT THREE**

_Scene One _

Roz, Gil and Claudius meet to gossip about Hamlet over their sweet tea, except Roz and Gil have no news so

Now they send Ophelia to spy on him without her realizing that she’s a new guinea pig

Now he gives his long to be or not to be speech. Basically the point of it is ‘props to people who don’t kill themselves’. Why thank you

Hamlet’s all nice to Ophelia until he realizes he’s being spied on then he’s all drunk Nancy on her and is a jerk to her and tells her to go to a nunnery cause he thinks she’s a whore or something idk

Hamlet goes on a misogynistic rant about women so yeah. Some sick burns were handed out as we discussed this is class

He says go to a nunnery a lot. Five times. He used all his roast power on the flute burn so he has to recharge so his insults are a bit weak now and repetitive

Ophelia is STILL sympathetic for some ungodly reason 

Claudius is like “Well he clearly doesn’t love Ophelia, so I’m gonna send Hamlet to an English embassy so he can pressure them to pay us back for something and we can spy on him.”

Polonius convinces him to wait until after the play when Gertrude talks to Hamlet so the plot can move forward.

_Scene Two_

Hamlet is bossing around the players, panicking slightly. 

“HORATIO WATCH THE KING IS HE MAKING A FACE”

Polonius: Yeah I was in a play. I played Caesar in Julius Caesar. Brutus killed me in the Capitol  
Hamlet: That was brute of them to kill so capital a calf  
*air horns again as sunglasses fall on Hamlet and someone screams boom roasted offstage*

Didn’t take him long to recharge

Then he tries to lay his head in Ophelia’s lap for some ungodly reason and teases her for thinking it’s sexual because it really is

So Claudius reacts and before Hamlet can chase after him Gertrude yells at him to come for a private talk

“Okay so I’m gonna verbally abuse Mom but not physically abuse her. No daggers”

_Scene Three_

Claudius tells Roz and Gil to take Hamlet to England and then Hamlet is like “You traitors screw you”

Claudius realizes he made a small mistake and tries to pray for mercy/forgiveness

Hamlet sees him and is about to kill him and then realizes ‘wait what if he goes to heaven then if he’s praying’ and then doesn’t kill him

And then literally right after Claudius is like wow good thing no one tried to kill me because it’s not like that prayer meant anything lol

_Scene Four_

Polonius dies and NOPE NOPE NOPE SKIP FAST FORWARD BYE SEE YOU IN ACT FOUR THIS SCENE IN THE MOVIE MADE ME WANT TO DIE

**ACT FOUR **

_Scene One_

Claudius comes in like woah what happened. Gertrude tells him that Hamlet killed Polonius and Claudius is like dang glad I wasn’t there

Claudius starts yelling for everyone to find Hamlet/dead Polonius because he doesn’t want his potential murderer running around 

_Scene Two_

Hamlet doesn’t tell them where Polonius’ body is

That’s literally it

_Scene Three_

Hamlet burns Claudius so many times that the airhorn track gets backed up

Claudius is sending Hamlet to England so the English can kill him

THAT’S IT

_Scene Four_

HEY ITS FORTINBRAS I WAS RIGHT WE DID FORGET ABOUT THE SUBPLOT

Fortinbras is passing through to get to “Poland” (Did you mean: Denmark)

The captain of Fortinbras’ ship sees Hamlet and tells him they’re here for Poland but it’s kinda stupid in his opinion 

Hamlet’s like uhhh cool I guess have fun wasting your time. The captain is like well actually the Poland bit is ready for us

Hamlet is like WOAH MAN YOU GOT 2,000 MERCENARIES AND A BIT OF MONEY YOU COMMITTED EVEN THOUGH YOU GOT NOTHING

Captain leaves. Soliloquy time!

“DANG EVERYWHERE I LOOK IS GIVING ME SIGNS TO GET A MOVE ON BUT I’M JUST SITTING ON MY ASS. I’M NOTHING WITHOUT MY BRAIN ASDFGHJKL WHAT AM I DOING. THIS DUDE FORTINBRAS IS DOING STUFF WHY CAN’T I.”

_Scene Five_

Dun dun dun dun! Ophelia’s gone nuts! Gertrude is a bit freaked out by all this madness going around and Ophelia is just singing about death and betrayal and having sex so she’s no help. 

Everyone spends some quality time agreeing that Ophelia is indeed very crazy

Claudius is like how could it all go wrong. Gee I wonder

Here comes Laertes and b’gosh he his peeved

AND SO IS HIS MOB OOOOOOOOH

Apparently the peasants have had enough of Claudius and they want Laertes to be king. Understandable.

“WHO KILLED MY DAD?!"  
“Uhhhh not me”

Claudius is like eyyyyy you are such a good little boy and I’m very sorry your dad died. 

And now poor Laertes is very sad Ophelia is crazy.

Ophelia lowkey gives some shade with the flowers she hands out. Rosemary (remembrance), pansies (thoughts) fennel (flattery and deceit) rue (sorrow and regret) columbines (adultery and ingratitude) a daisy (dissembling) but the violets all died when Polonius did (faithfulness)

It's not entirely clear who she gives the flowers too, but still

_Scene Six_

Bum bum bum bum Horatio got mail

Hamlet apparently got kidnapped by some nice pirates or something but he’s fine.

Roz and Gil are still on their way to England. To die. Oof

Hamlet just “happens” to find his dad’s ring so he uses that as the seal

This entire act is like just two page long scene like why

_Scene Seven_

Laertes and Claudius are holed up in their little villain lair, busying creating The Plan To Kill Hamlet Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

“Wait Claudius why can’t we just go up and stab him”  
“MMMMMMMMMMM my popularity ratings are bad enough as is”

Laertes wants to poison him with a sword and Claudius is like nah bro we do it with wine and they agree to do both to be safe

Gertrude enters like ‘by the way Ophelia drowned’

Why was Ophelia out on her own??? Like everyone knew she was crazy??? She was supposed to have guards???

And evidently Gertrude was too busy writing this soliloquy to stop said Ophelia from drowning??? 

I’m really confused??? Who was there who wasn’t???

Whatever it doesn’t matter 

Oof now I really feel bad for Laertes

**ACT FIVE**

_Scene One_

WOOOOO FINAL ACT

Look it’s a gravedigger discussing all the controversial Catholic views on suicide which I don’t want to get into 

They start discussing what counts as suicide and what doesn’t and quite frankly I don’t care

“So we’re doing the work of Adam by digging graves?”  
“Yes”  
“So he was a gentleman?”  
“Yep he was the first person to bear arms”  
“...wait he didn’t have arms?”  
“You iDIOT DO YOU NOT READ THE BIBLE OF COURSE HE HAD ARMS HOW ELSE COULD HE DIG-”

(Yeah this part is weird)

The gravedigger starts singing when Hamlet appears and Hamlet thinks maybe, just maybe the digger isn't taking his job seriously

Hamlet thinks very nihilistically for a bit on how once you die and rot away nothing you did really matters. (Thanks I’ll be thinking about this all day)

“Hey mister whose grave are you digging”  
“Mine”  
*x files theme plays and zoom in on Hamlet’s face*

Hamlet apparently knows the skeleton and is completely comfortable with holding Yorick’s skull for some reason. I mean you knew him is that not freaking you out???

He talks to the skull. (I think that everyone in this play is at least a little loopy)

He thinks Ophelia would have fun painting this skull like a Dia De Los Muertos icon or something like??? I know they don’t have Internet but they can’t be that desperate for entertainment.

These long soliloquies must be hard to film for movies like what do the other characters onstage do just silently stare

OKAY LET’S GET BACK ON TRACK

Oof here comes the funeral procession

Laertes says one last goodbye to Ophelia before Hamlet decides it’s been too long since he got to give a dramatic speech on angst, love, death or all of the above so he jumps out of hiding and fights Laertes

This is probably what Ariana Dumbledore’s funeral looked like.

_Scene Two_

WOOOOOOOO FINAL SCENE

Hamlet explains that he switched the letter so Roz and Gil get killed instead of him. Our protagonist everyone.

Some dude named Osiric who’s played by Robin Williams in the movie tells Hamlet that he’s gonna duel Laertes I guess

Hamlet apologizes to Laertes before they duel for some reason this is kinda dumb of him to do

Hamlet get Laertes and Claudius puts the poison in the cup to give to Hamlet, but Hamlet refuses the drink

“Gertrude sweetie darling honey baby lovely don’t drink”  
*long drink from Gertrude*  
*internally* “Shit”

This is the part where very suddenly this play turns into the last five minutes of Stranger Things season two, episode six where literally everything that can go wrong goes very very wrong

Laertes is like welp screw it and scratches Hamlet with his poison sword

Hamlet gets very offended by this and get Laertes’ sword and gets him back

Gertrude collapses from you know poison

“Dude is the queen okay?!”  
“UHHHH YEAH SHE UH SHE’S JUST FREAKING OUT CAUSE YOU KNOW BLOOD AND LADIES HAHA NO POISON HERE”  
“YOU LIAR”

Laertes tells Hamlet that they are equally dead because the sword was poisoned by the King’s bidding and they both got hurt by it. Though since Laertes has been frigging stabbed he’s slightly more dead than Hamlet. 

Hamlet FINALLY decides that THIS is a good time to act and he stabs Claudius and then forces him to drink poison so he’s double dead. 

Laertes dies and Hamlet forgives him. MMMMM WHATCHA SAAAAAAAAY WHEN SAID YOU ONLY MEANT WELLLLLLLLL WELL OF COURSE YOU DIDN’T MMMMMMM

Hamlet is like well shoot. Time to die.

Osric comes in like uhhh this may be a bad time but we’re getting invaded by Fortinbras

Hamlet: Tell my story Horatio  
*dies*  
*who lives, who dies, who tells your story plays*

Fortinbras finally comes in and asks the question that’s on all our minds:  
What the hell just happened.

THE END.


	2. A Tale Of Two Cities

The only background I know is that it was written by Charles Dickens so there’s gonna be a lot of psychological suffering, it was during the French revolution and some dude gets guillotined in place of someone who looks like him.

Oh also it’s a social commentary because that’s what Charles Dickens does. Yeah. 

So some background on Dickens; he was kinda loopy because he thought hypnotism could heal people and he was pretty vain I guess

He named his kids Skittles, Plorn and Lucifer’s Box which is kinda iconic but those poor kids

“Hey what’s your name.”  
“Satan’s Jar.”

His lucky number was 3. *flashbacks to Dante’s Inferno*and he would also clean other people’s houses if he thought they were too dirty oh my God

Charles Dickens had issues THE END

The book jumps through timelines which is you know ANNOYING

ALSO THE GUILLOTINE WAS FEMININE. I CAN BELIEVE THAT. EXECUTIONS WERE A FAMILY GATHERING I GUESS 

Okie dokie lets start this hot mess

**PART ONE: RECALLED TO LIFE**

_Chapter One: The Period_

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” 

No it was the French revolution it was just the worst of times.

So basically this paragraph long run on sentence is just saying “HEY-

Stuff’s about to go down. Lots of stuff. Gonna get wild.”

Let’s do another ROLLLLLLLL CALLLLLLLLL because why not

JARVIS LORRY   
HE’S A BRITISH DUDE WHO’S NO FUN AND WORKS FOR A BANK SO THAT DUDE FROM MARY POPPINS 

JERRY CRUNCHER   
PFFFT WHAT A NAME HE’S ALSO A BANK GUY BUT HE’S A MESSENGER AND ODD JOB DUDE AND IS KINDA A JERK 

LUCIE MANETTE  
SHE’S A PIVOTAL CHARACTER I GUESS AND SHE’S LOWKEY A MARY-SUE 

THE DEFARGES  
THEY’RE FRENCH PEOPLE WHO OWN A WINE SHOP AND ARE IMPORTANT BUT IDK WHY

DR. MANETTE  
HE’S GOT A LOT OF SECRETS I GUESS WOW WHAT A DESCRIPTION

Okay so there are two sets of royal in Britain and France and everyone was like “yeah. This monarchy will stick around. Legit.”

There’s an allusion to that time where Jesus makes a huge buffet with only some fish and bread. Honestly probably one of my favorite things he did besides telling his disciples to gouge their eyes out if they couldn’t control themselves from looking at a woman as opposed to shaming said woman 

#JESUSTHEORIGIALFEMINIST

Whoops I got distracted BACK TO A TALE OF TWO CITIES 

Jeez there’s so much exposition about ghost fads, American revolution, and other stuff that I couldn’t care less about. 

I’d rather talk about feminist Jesus thanks

Summary: Everything was a hot mess just like this book 

I dislike this book

_Chapter Two: The Mail_

We open on Shooter’s Hill in Dover. There’s a heavy mail carriage going on a steep hill

Apparently the horses are like “AW HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL NAW WE AIN’T MARCHING UP THIS JOINT GURL BYE” but they whipped the horses I guess so they’re going up anyway

Okay I really kinda hate this book already it’s just long exposition 

The mail guard has like ten guns so I guess he’s a Republican. He also must not be confident with his shooting 

Jerry gives a passenger a note saying to wait at Dover for some lady. The passenger says his answer is “Recalled to Life”. 

THAT’S IT

_Chapter Three: The Night Shadows_

So it opens with a very VERY long philosophical, descriptive paragraph that I lowkey skipped over the gist of it is that everyone has secrets I guess

Jerry’s getting drunk cool 

I literally have no idea what is happening I think someone was buried alive for eighteen years and then was dug out? Maybe said buried alive person was a prisoner but I really don’t know

_Chapter Four: The Preparation_

Cool so the mail got to Dover and no one died

So I guess Dickens uses animal imagery a lot

So Mr. Lorry is loyal because he was compared to a dog I guess, and from this description that takes up nearly an eNTIRE PAGE we can infer that Jarvis Lorry is a pretty good dude because he’s clean and British and plain 

Also I guess he no longer has any spirit because he works for Tellson’s bank now 

Okay back to Lorry is waiting for some girl to come meet him

Tellson’s bank has a branch in France and Lorry crossed the English channel fifteen years ago or so

Lorry is currently staying at the beach but boy oh boy this isn’t a nice beach. This is because this ocean faces France so it’s like symbolism because France is like Britain’s enemy and it’s the Revolutionary war

“Hey so that lady you’re waiting for is here”  
*chokes on wine* cRAP

Lucy represents everything good and pure and she’s used to like parallel all the awful things happening 

Oh no stop stop stop apparently Lorry like saved her or something when she was a little girl I will NOT take a feels trip with a school assigned book, I will NOT

Wait so Lucy’s an orphan so she’s under the protection of the bank? Banks do that?

Mr. Lorry is being all angsty like “I have no emotions I am a machine” like okay whatever we saw your little flashback you can’t fool me

“Wait you took me to England when I was a baby right?”  
*sweats and focuses on being boring and vaguely miserable*  
“...yeeeeeeees butitsnotlikeIhaveemotionsorasouloranythingahahahaha”

“So. You know your dad, Lucy? We got some stuff to say.”  
“Okay what is it?”  
“Hm...well...do you think you can...take it?”  
“Can you just tell me already.”

So Lucy’s dad is NOT dead but in fact has been rotting in PRISON for the last eighteen years but we don’t know why because despite the fact that Lorry managed to track down this dude despite the fact that his name had been lost they don’t know why he went to jail

Also her dad went insane.

Dickens if you take me on a feels trip with this book that I don’t even like when Lucy and her dad meet I swear to God-

So Lucy kinda faints because you know this is Fricking Big Life-Changing News ™ and Lorry kinda panics because the job never told him he would be around fainting ladies

One of the hotel servants come in and helps Lucy and is like ‘Okay you idiot nice job’ and Lorry is kinda embarrassed now ha 

Only good scene in this book so far

_Chapter Five: The Wine Shop_

So a huge crate of wine bursts outside and everyone’s like “WOO FREE BOOZE” and rush to drink it.

OFF THE GROUND

EW

UNSANITARY

THIS IS WHY Y’ALL HAVE THE PLAGUE

Also the wine is red so that means death

So one dude decides lol this’ll be funny and writes BLOOD in the wine on the wall because that’s hilarious 

Basically the peasants are very miserable and starving 

So the dude who wrote BLOOD in wine on the wall is named Gaspard and he’s a joker I guess. 

The BLOOD thing isn’t very funny I guess you had to be there.

So the wine-shop keeper isn’t someone who you want to get in a fight with because he will beat you into the dirt. His wife might too, and she lowkey looks like a gypsy with all her rings and earrings. They’re named the Defarges

It’s not a slur here (I’m not entirely clear on where and how gypsy is used as a slur anyway) it’s how the book describes her

Three people named Jacques are chatting with the Defarges about suspicious stuff, because basically if you call someone Jacques or call yourself Jacques you’re actually planning to revolt 

Poor guy who’s name is actually Jacques

So the three revolutionaries go to their little hideout and Madame Defarge starts knitting

Jarvis Lorry goes to Monsieur Defarge with Lucie Manette and is like hey we gotta see Lucie’s dad

So they do

_Chapter Six: The Shoemaker_

So there’s an old withered looking man making shoes I guess 

He says his name is One Hundred and Five, North Tower- WAIT

“PRISONER 24601”

IT’S LES MISERABLES

So for a while Lucie’s dad doesn’t recognize her and then he recognizes her hair and it’s all bittersweet and crap

Screw you Dickens I didn’t come here to feel emotions

**BOOK THE SECOND: THE GOLDEN THREAD**

_Chapter One: Five Years Later_

Okay I guess this is five years later

Okay so Jerry Cruncher comes in and is a big jerk to his wife because whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhy not

Also he has a son. “Young Jerry”

_Chapter Two: A Sight_

Jerry sends a message to Tellson’s Bank about a trial and then goes to said trial

This guy is accused of treason. If he’s guilty then he gets drawn and quartered. Which sucks

The dude on trial is Charles Darnay and evidently he’s pretty handsome 

Then they bring out witnesses

_Chapter Three: A Disappointment_

So someone snitched on Darnay and told the royal people he was traveling between Britain and France

The Attorney General goes on for such a long time about how patriotic the snitch is that it can’t be excused with ‘no homo’

So the snitch is named John Barsad and apparently he’s one of those kids who gets all up in your face to tell you weed is wrong even though you don’t even smoke, though for such a goody two shoes Barsad isn’t eager to share much info about himself

So Barsad has been in a few fights and at the debtors prison

Lol he’s not smoking weed but he does vape

Okie dokie now the servant Robert Cly is here

So Cly apparently once tried to steal something but he’s really bad at stealing stuff that’s not junk

Cly and Barsad are both snitches who are probably in it together

Jarvis Lorry isn’t giving any info 

And then dun dun dun there’s Lucy and her dad

Lucy is freaking out and hoping she didn’t give anything away after her testimony because she doesn’t want the prisoner to die

Lucy said the prisoner had told her he was traveling between England and France for an unexplained reason

What they think Darnay did is that on that mail route with the horses going “HEEEEEEEEEEELL NAW” five years ago he snuck out to Dover (someone might have been in his place). Why this is so bad is unclear, but it’s probably to do with the fact that England and France hate each other

Some dude named Sydney Carton chucks a piece of paper at Mr. Stryver

So apparently Sydney Carton and Charles Darnay look a lot like each other and everyone in the courtroom is like WOAH DUDE PLOT TWIST 

So now the case that Darnay is a traitor is falling apart like my Spanish grade

So evidently Darney looks better than Carton which is kinda sad really considering Carton is a lawyer

So Lucy passes out for some reason and then Darnay gets acquitted

_Chapter Four: Congratulatory_

So now like five people are crowded around Darnay like congrats man you’re not dead

MMMMPH STUPID EMOTIONS WITH LUCY MAKING HER DAD HAPPY GO AWAY EMOTIONS YOU HAVE NO PLACE IN FORCED READING

Pretty sure Carton and Darnay both have a crush on Lucy and that’s gonna turn out badly for one of them

Now they’re getting drunk. $5 says they’ll get thrown out or get in a fight

Crap I was wrong only Carton gets wasted now I owe myself five bucks which sucks because I’m broke.

Also Carton decided he’s A Piece of Drunk Shit ™ 

And then he passes out

Damn Carton has big Tony Stark Energy 

Oh but I was right Carton does have a big ol’ crush on Lucy haha loser 

_Chapter Five: The Jackal_

I am getting sick and tired of these long ass expositions 

Dickens would probably say “well I’m getting sick of your face OHHHHHH”

Sydney Carton is compared to a jackal-evidently no one likes him much but the story needs him I guess

So after Carton is shaken from his drunken sleep he goes to Stryver’s place

So Carton and Stryver work together but as with all group project someone always ends up doing more work than the other. Carton does like 90% of the work while he’s hungover

I guess that Stryver and Carton went to law school in France and in their boarding school together. Also Carton always did other kids’ homework I wonder if they paid him

Carton was also born into a better family than Stryver which is weird considering he’s a drunk now

“Bro let’s stop talking about my ugly past”  
“Okay let’s talk about that hot witness Lucy-”  
“BRO NO SOMETHING ELSE”  
“Haaaaa you loooove her”  
“SHUT UP I DO NOT”

So essentially Carton’s basically given up which is a FAT mood

_Chapter Six: Hundreds of People_

Doctor Manette and Lucie live together with Miss Pross (who has a sketchy brother named Solomon) and Jarvis Lorry

There’s probably some literary symbolism with her dumbass and sketchy brother being named after a wise king but we never discussed it in class when I read this so I don’t care

Doctor Manette relapses because he overhears Darnay talking about a prison in London

THAT’S IT

But dang why is Dickens pretty good at writing PTSD and panic attacks and unhealthy coping mechanisms? 

_Chapter Seven: Monsieur the Marquis in Town_

Okay so we meet this noble church guy named Monseigneur 

Ew that’s an ugly name

I’m calling him Monty

Okay so Monty is so vain that he has to have this whole ritual just so he can have some chocolate. I mean chocolate deserves that but you don’t

He also wears two gold watches. Buddy….you do not need two gold watches ...there are ways to express your extraness without looking like an asshole...

Monty goes to the opera and the comedy instead of actually doing his job

Haha it’s Trump

Oof Monty took some tax collector’s sister out of a convent (nunnery hah) and married her so he could get money out of it

They don’t mention what the sister thinks of this but I can assume she wasn’t all that happy with it

K so Monty’s chilling with a bunch of rich people who are totally inept at their job

Oh my God it is the white house 

...that’s an uncomfortable comparison 

So then Monty is driving through town well over the speed limit and hits and kills a kid JEEZ

THEN HE GIVES THE FATHER A GOLD COIN AND SAYS PISS OFF

OMG THE KID’S FATHER IS GASPARD THEY GUY WHO WROTE BLOOD WITH WINE

Dang what a dick

Chapter Eight: Monsieur the Marquis in the Country

He gets to his estate. That’s it

_Chapter Nine: The Gorgon’s Head_

So he meets his nephew who is CHARLES DARNAY BRUH 

And so Darnay is like screw you I don’t want this inheritance it’s taken from the people. Monty tells him to piss off

Then Monty gets stabbed and murdered by “Jacques” haha

Hmmm I wonder who it could be

_Chapter Ten: Two Promises_

So things are pretty chill so far cause Darnay is in England and is now an English teacher

Yaaaaay Darnay asks Mannette for Lucy’s hand in marriage secretly and Mannette is like okay sure

And Darnay is like oh and btw this isn’t my real name because-and Mannette is just NO. STOP. DON’T WANNA KNOW

So Darnay leaves and CRAP Mannette relapsed

_Chapter Eleven: A Companion Picture_

So Stryver is like “hey Carton I’ll marry Lucy and you go marry someone else”

Buddy that’s not how it works

Stryver: I’m gonna marry her, isn’t she lucky?  
Carton: *silently making murder plans probably*  
Stryver: And you go marry someone in your class  
Carton: *do u have any shame u prick*

_Chapter Twelve: A Fellowship of Delicacy_

So on his way to tell Lucy he’s gonna marry her, he drops off to say hey to Jarvis Lorry

“So I’m gonna marry Lucy!”  
*chokes* fRICK WAIT-

So then they get into an argument and it gets pretty wild 

Haha then Stryver goes home and cries telling himself he didn’t want to marry her anyway

I guess this is comedic relief.

_Chapter Thirteen: The Fellow of No Delicacy_

So Carton goes to Lucy and Lucy was like uhhhh bruh

Carton gives an angsty speech saying: I’m no good I’m worthless and I’m only gonna get worse. God bless you and don’t freak out for what I have to say. 

He then proceeds to un-funnily roast himself for like five pages

And Lucy’s like nooo you can change! You will change, because the plot demands it!

And Carton’s like I’m glad you don’t love me because I would make your life hell. No hope for me. Noooooooooooooooooooo hoppppppppppppppppe for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. 

Then he’s like thanks for existing Lucy bye

_Chapter Fourteen: An Honest Tradesman_

Okay so now we get more Jerry Cruncher abusing his wife because why not

Young Jerry follows his dad and finds out that Jerry digs up graves and sells the bodies

BUT something goes wrong here and it freaks him out and makes him beat up his wife I guess (???)

Old time-y writers can be woke on memes, mental health or women’s rights but it can’t be more than one

_Chapter Fifteen: Knitting_

So here we are back at the Defarge’s wine shop and their wine is very bad today

And most of the people in the wine shop aren’t buying so why haven’t they been kicked out

Basically: it’s pretty sketchy and sad around here

A guy called “Jacques” enters and dun dun here comes la revolution and they give him some wine 

What if his name is actually Jacques and he’s just like cool free booze

So the new Jacques tells them about dead Monty, and how Gaspard was the one who supposedly killed him and was then arrested for it.

Okie dokie so Gaspard will get the Combo drawn and quartered where instead of having his intestines burned and being hanged he gets slashed and then hot poisons are poured in his wounds. Lovely. And apparently it actually happened once in real history. Cool. Defarge tried to save Gaspard with a petition but…it didn’t work

Okay he’s killed but they kill him over a fountain and it poisons the water. Oh.

Apparently Madame Defarge is always knitting because she’s knitting a coded hit list. 

Yo that badass as shit

_Chapter Sixteen: Still Knitting_

So Madame Defarge adds a guy named John Barsad to her hit list, all while Barsad is standing in front of her and talking

They then discuss Charles Darnay getting married to Lucy, and since he’s secretly noble, they add Lucy to the hit list as well

Then for good measure they add the entire family

Guys calm down I love a good revolt as much as the next guy but now it just seems like you’re killing for no reason, possibly out of spite-wait a second

Oooh someone snitched on Darnay being a noble

_Chapter Seventeen: One Night:_

The night before Lucy’s wedding where Dr. Mannette talks to Lucy about his past trauma and it’s emotional and crap

Hey look now Dickens is showing recovery and overcoming trauma!!!!!! Well done my dude!!!!!

_Chapter Eighteen: Nine Days_

Haha now Jarvis Lorry is crying. No emotions my ass

Now Miss Pross and Lorry are flirting

Whoops I ship it

Prorry? Loss?

And now relapse number something

Dammit we were doing so well

You know you’d think that Lucy that would be concerned that the man she loves keeps triggering her dad

Screw all of y’all I’m here for Mannette recovering and Prorry/Loss the rest of you can get guillotined for all I care

_Chapter Nineteen: An Opinion_

And Lorry is like “So, hypothetically, what do we do to help SOMEONE BUT NOT YOU from relapsing.”

Now they need to figure out how to help Mannette which might be hard considering they don’t even have a lobotomy 

So then they get rid of Manette's shoe-making bench so he can’t relapse into making shoes

Is this good? I’m not a mental health expert 

_Chapter Twenty: A Plea_

So Lucy and Darnay come back from the honeymoon and Carton is like hey bro wanna be bros

Now they have a short sappy conversation on Carton and I want to throw up now

_Chapter Twenty One: Echoing Footsteps_

Okay so now Lucy and Darnay have a daughter and they had a son but the son freaking DIED because WHY THE HELL NOT

Ha well crap the Defarges just stormed the Bastille and now dun dun dun they found SOMETHING where Mannette was staying but we don’t know what it is because plot

Then they killed seven guards and release seven prisoners 

_Chapter Twenty Two: The Sea Still Rises_

They find this guy named Foulon who told them to eat grass and they behead him

What, no symbolic punishment? Come on guys

_Chapter Twenty Three: Fire Rises_

Four people set a chateau on fire and threaten Gabelle, a tax collector

_Chapter Twenty Four: Drawn to the Loadstone Rock_

So it’s three years later and Darnay is chilling in England where he won’t be you know murdered

A letter for the Marquis (that’s Darnay) comes from Gabelle begging for help

And Darnay decides to GO YOU TO FRANCE I D I O T 

**BOOK THE THIRD: THE TRACK OF THE STORM**

_Chapter One: In Secret_

So Darnay goes through with his crappy plan and is almost immediately arrested just like everyone who ever read the book knew he’d be

Defarge recognizes him and is like mmm crap I don’t wanna kill him but my scary wife most definitely will so 

Defarge: Why the hell would you come to France  
Darnay: *looks off into the sunset* to help a friend  
Defarge: He’s probably already dead but okay

_Chapter Two: The Grindstone_

This chapter is basically Lucy panicking when she finds out her moron of a husband was arrested and her running around the house screaming FRICK

_Chapter Three: The Shadow_

So Mannette hasn’t come back from trying to pick up Lucy’s idiot husband from prison

Defarge pops up like hey gotta letter for the wife of the idiot and Lorry is like right this way

So Darnay’s letter is like btw I’m not dead yet and Lucy’s like sick

So Madame Defarge sees little Lucy and the ominous music starts

Lucy: So could you like...not kill my husband?  
Madame Defarge: idk buddy did other mothers and wives before the revolution get that privilege?  
*ominous airhorns as someone screams GET GUILLOTINED in the background*

_Chapter Four: Calm in a Storm_

Okay so Darnay is not killed for a year and three months yippee

Mannette is busy being a doctor and an icon because he was in the Bastille

You were already an icon you’re doing great sweetie

_Chapter Five: The Woodcutter_

So apparently there’s this spot that Darnay might be able to see Lucy if given a lot of luck and desperation 

So the mender of road Jacques is now a woodcutter with a sadistic sense of humor 

Then there’s a bunch of nameless nobodies who get guillotined I guess

_Chapter Six: Triumph_

*Law and Order theme plays as Darnay comes in for his trial*

And so then Mannette’s like guys he’s with me don’t worry and the crowd is like oh okay you can go then

_Chapter Seven: A Knock at the Door_

So they’re chilling in France being nervous wrecks when suddenly someone knocks on the door

Whoops now Darnay is arrested again, accused by the Defarges and a Mystery Character ™ 

Why didn’t they LEAVE

_Chapter Eight: A Hand at Cards_

So Miss Pross is unaware of this hot mess. Jerry Cruncher is with her going grocery shopping. They're also in France for some reason

DUN DUN DUN Miss Pross sees her sketchy brother Solomon in a wine shop and he’s a little ass to her I guess 

And P L O T T W I S T GOOD OLD SOLOMON IS ACTUALLY JOHN BARSAD THE SNITCH 

ALSO SYDNEY CARTON APPEARS FOR SOME REASON

CARTON EX MACHINA 

They drag Solomon/Barsad to Lorry and they start telling him off and Carton is like alright bucko you’re gonna help me

Barsad: I’m not gonna help you you have nothing on me  
Carton: *takes out a bursting manilla folder* let’s review

And PLOT TWIST AGAIN it’s Cly who Carton was talking to in the wine shop

Wait when was he talking to someone? Just now? I don’t remember. Doesn’t matter, what matters is Cly isn’t dead because Cly faked his own death and that was the grave that Cruncher had dug up and found empty

So Barsad is like fine I’ll help you

_Chapter Nine: The Game Made_

So then Carton and Barsad leave and Lorry is like ‘Cruncher you’ve bEEN DIGGING UP GRAVES HOW DARE YOU’

And Cruncher's like ‘hey buddy someone’s gotta give bodies to the medical community ain’t no rest for the wicked ammirite’

Then Carton buys something from a chemist or something 

And AWWWW SNAP THE THIRD ACCUSER IS DR. MANNETTE

And then Mannette is like ‘ummm excuse me but I did not that’s a fat lie’ and Defarge is like ‘buddy I got the letter you wrote’

And Mannette is like ‘bet. read it’ 

_Chapter Ten: The Substance of a Shadow_

Okay so apparently Mannette wrote this while he was in the Bastille so cue the flashback music and ripple effect

So these two dudes in the carriage back before he was arrested were like hey do you know Dr. Manette? And he’s like lol ya looking at him

So they’re like come with us we have someone for you to treat and he’s like um that seems sketch and they’re like we said get in the fucking carriage 

And Mannette says I think I’ll get in the fucking carriage

So they get to the house and one of the guys slaps the person who opens the door and Manette's like I was right this is sketch

So there’s this lady who’s got an awful fever and she’s all tied up because you know that’s how you treat someone.

She seems a little cracked, and keeps screaming ‘my husband, father and brother’ counts to twelve and says hush

So then they’re like wait there’s this other guy and there’s this kid bleeding out in a barn

Mannette’s like what happened and the two are like oh we stabbed him and Mannette’s like UHHH OKAY

And the boy is like oh buddy do I have a story for you

So the girl dying of fever is his sister and she was married but one of the dudes who stabbed him was like eyyy can I have a bang at her and everyone was like uhhh hell no

So they worked her husband to death, killed her dad, and stabbed her brother when he tried to stop them from raping her. 

He also hid away his little sister but we don’t know where

Then the raped girl dies

The Marquis (of course it’s the Marquis) is like buddy don’t you tell anyone

But Mannette doesn’t listen and sends a letter to the church

So then the Marquis’ brother’s wife calls up Mannette to chat

So she feels bad about what happened and is like do you know where the younger sister is and Mannette is like nope sorry. He also meets young Darnay.

So the Marquis finds his letter and bum bum in jail he goes

And Darnay is sentenced to death. 

Roll credits.

_Chapter Eleven: Dusk _

Oof what a mess

SO Lucy and Darnay get to hug and all cause you know

Then Lucy passes out because YIKES

Carton: Don’t worry guys  
Carton: I have a plan  
Carton has left the chat

_Chapter Twelve: Darkness_

So he goes to the Defarge wine shop

So he’s like hey Madame Defarge a bit of wine please and she’s like sure-yo wait you look like THAT GUY WE JUST SENTENCED TO DEATH

So then the Defarges and Jacques #3 is like yooooo he does look like the condemned man that’s wild and then Madame Defarge is like oh and screw Mannette and Lucy and Mr. Defarge is like um or we could show mercy and then Madame Defarge basically calls him a pussy

And so BUM BUM PLOT TWIST ™ MADAME DEFARGE IS THE YOUNGER SISTER THAT WAS SENT AWAY AFTER THAT WHOLE RAPING MESS

Which is why she high key hates everyone

So now Doctor Manette lost it again but since he doesn’t have his shoe bench anymore now he’s just quietly asking for his bench back please

Oh my God someone help him

Carton spills the tea and Lorry is like oh shit

_Chapter Thirteen: Fifty Two_

So Darnay is nervously chilling in his cell writing goodbye letters to everyone

Then Carton pops in thanks to Barsad and it like sup bro no homo but we gotta change clothes and Darnay for some reason agrees

Then Carton FRICKING CHLOROFORMS HIM AND HAS HIM CARRIED OUT

The next day while he’s in line to get guillotined he meets this one lady and tries to comfort her awww

So Lucy, her kid, Lorry, Darnay, and her dad barely escape France

Dickens is Mannette okay. Is he okay. I demand answers

_Chapter Fourteen: The Knitting Done_

So Madame Defarge decides her husband isn’t going to help her kill the rest of Darnay’s family so she’s like screw it, I'll do it myself

Unbeknownst to her the only two left at the house are Miss Pross and Jerry Cruncher, and Pross came here to comfort Lucy and kick ass, and she’s all out of Lucy

Then Miss Pross straight up sHOOTS DEFARGE

_Chapter Fifteen: Footsteps Die Out forever_

Sydney Carton gets guillotined in place of Darnay so THE END

I never got to see Miss Pross and Lorry get married

I didn’t get to see if Mannette is okay


	3. The Crucible

So, we stan allegories right?

And we stan allegories that are interesting EVEN HARDER

So I, a lowly toad, introduce you to _The Crucible,_ a fairly short little play by one Arthur Miller, written during the 50s, which is commonly known as the worst time to have any differing opinions from The Man ™ 

And our boy Arthur had some differing opinions. So Joseph “Asshole” McCarthy (that was his nickname I promise) got all up in his face and accused him of being a Communist, which was a very bad thing to be at this point, almost just as bad as being not white, Christian, male, and straight.

McCarthy was like hey if you give us the names of your friends who are Commies I’ll let you go. And Arthur gave him the finger and said snitches get stitches

So basically, it was a hot mess, and everyone was scared of a phantom concept that might not even be real, and to protect themselves and gain power, everyone was accusing each other willy nilly

And with that, let’s begin our story.

**ACT ONE**

_Scene One_

So we’re in the house of some guy named Reverend Samuel Parris, praying at the bedside of his ten year old daughter Betty. Generally, praying at someone’s bedside means the person in the bed is not doing too hot, and this is true of Betty, as we find out shortly after Parris’ seventeen year old niece Abigail enters, followed by her friend Susanna Walcott

As it turns out, Betty has been catatonic for some time now

Susanna is like hey dude. So I went to the doctor, and he doesn’t know what’s up with Betty. Everyone thinks it’s witchcraft. And Parris is like I swear to God if you suggest that one more time-

So after Susanna leaves, Parris lays into Abigail because he found them dancing in the forest, and that’s a sure sign of witchcraft, which is really not a thing good Puritans in Salem are supposed to do

Abigail denies it, and says they were just dancing. We get the first good look at Parris’ true colors when he is far more concerned for his reputation in the face of possible witchcraft than he is for his daughter

Parris asks why Abigail was kicked out of the Proctor’s house (a family she was serving) and Abigail’s like well you see Mrs. Proctor is a bitch so

So then this lady named Ann Putnam comes in and is like oh how high did Betty fly? I heard she’s cursed. So is my daughter, Ruth!

I feel like she’s not qualified to make that call but whatever

Her only evidence is that ‘I gave birth to seven babies and all of them but Ruth died, and now Ruth is acting weird’, despite the fact that dead babies were quite common in this day and age due to the fact that beliefs like this were far more common as opposed to beliefs like washing your hands

Then the grown ups leave, leaving Abigail and her friends, Mercy Lewis and Mary Warren. Mary works with the Proctors, and Mercy with the Putnams. Abigail tells Betty to snap out of it, and Betty responds by telling Abigail she drank blood as a curse to kill Mrs. Proctor, which is unsettling

Abigail threatens to kill everyone in the room

John Proctor enters, and yells at Mary to go home. Abigail tries to seduce him, because as it turns out, she left the Proctor’s because Mrs. Proctor caught her and John having an affair. John isn’t too interested in banging with her, pissing Abigail off

Wow I can really see why he liked her, who wouldn’t want to be with a seventeen year old maniac?

Abigail had J.D from Heathers energy

The people outside start singing a Psalm, and Betty flips out, causing everyone else to flips out

Rebecca Nurse, a sweet little old lady, comes in and is like guys...your kids are just being brats. Ignore them and it’ll stop

And all the adults are like ‘normal child behavior?! Impossible!’

Proctor roasts Parris and Parris is like you’re gonna go to hell for that and Proctor is like literally shut up

Parris has this conspiracy theory that everyone is against him, and Giles Corey (an old and cranky but good guy who entered at some point) is like wow Parris you finally grew a pair, and Parris, not understanding sarcasm, takes this as a compliment 

Hale, a preacher who’s kinda like the Ed and Lorraine Warren person to the Puritans pops in, trying to figure out what is going on

Ann is like ‘I was trying to conjure up the dead spirits of my kids so I could find out who killed them-’ and Nurse is like yo what and Ann gets all pissy and tells Nurse to shut up

Nurse has had enough of this and leaves, and Corey is like, hey, just wondering, my wife has been reading some weird books? Is that witchcraft? And Hale is like I’ll check it out but probably not and Corey is like okay awesome

Hale puts a little pressure on Abigail, and Abigail then accuses Tituba, Parris’ slave, of performing witchcraft. Ah, yes, slavery. Very holy

Abigail sees Tituba and immediately accuses her of everything and poor Tituba is like...um what?????

Tituba panics-I can’t blame her, she’s the only accuser I can’t fault because she’s a slave and will be the scapegoat for everything-and says the Devil tried to make her a witch, but she resisted. She then accuses three women-Sarah Goode, Osburn, and Bridget Bishop-before saying she’s cleansed herself

Then Abigail sees her opportunity, along with Betty, and the scene ends with them accusing a SHITLOAD of people of witchcraft

_Scene Two_

Proctor gets home to his wife, Elizabeth, and it’s super awkward because, you know, Proctor had an affair. Elizabeth knows about the witch trials and is worried she might be accused, proving she is the only one with brain cells in this play other than Rebecca Nurse (who also got accused because the Putnams suck)

Mary Warren comes in, looking not to great. She gives Elizabeth a doll she made and then Proctor yells at her for leaving. Mary bursts into tears, telling them the court sentenced Osburn to death

Sarah Goode isn’t going to be killed, however, because she confessed in desperation. 

Proctor is like no more witch trials and Mary is like but I’m doing God’s work! And Proctor stares at the camera like he’s on the Office

Proctor: Go to bed  
Mary: No!!!!! I’m a big girl and I make my own decisions!  
Proctor: Fine, stay up then  
Mary: Fuck you I’m going to bed!!!!!

We find out Elizabeth was mentioned in court, but Mary claims she defended her

Elizabeth is like John...can you talk to Elizabeth? I think she hates me. And Proctor is like pffft don’t be ridiculous

Then Hale pops in, chats with Elizabeth and Proctor, a bit suspicious of them. Hale finally decides alright, you guys be careful, I don’t want to accuse people without proof

Immediately after we find out Nurse and Corey’s wife are sentenced to death and Elizabeth is arrested, in part because of the doll Mary gave them because they found a needle in it and immediately were like ‘voodoo dolls!!!!!’

So things are not fun and fresh for anyone with more than two brain cells or John Proctor 

Also Corey is ready to kill a man because he didn’t realize his actions had consequences

I’m being unfair though, he just wanted to know what she was reading and he worded that badly 

**ACT TWO**

_Scene One_

So now we’re in the middle of a trial and Martha Corey is insistent she’s not a witch, and Judge Hathorne is like that’s exactly what a wITCH WOULD SAY

Corey and Rebecca Nurse’s husbands are arguing for their wives, but (Judge? Deputy? Local dickwad?) Danforth doesn’t want to listen on account of...idk actually

Proctor comes in with Mary, saying Mary confessed that there wasn’t any witchcraft. Mary agrees with him

Danforth: so why do you want this to be proven false  
Proctor: uhhhhhh I don’t want my wife to die?  
Danforth: so not because you are possessed by Satan? You don’t want to overthrow the court?  
Proctor: no....  
Danforth: well, she’s pregnant. So tell you what: we’ll keep her alive for another year just for you then! How’s that?  
Proctor: what no   
Danforth: you heard it here folks he wants to overthrow the court  
Proctor: literally what the hell

Proctor, Corey, and Nurse (The Bro Squad) submit a paper to Danforth that says ‘These women are cool please don’t kill them’ and it’s been signed by ninety people. Mr. Putnam comes in, and is furious by this

The Bro Squad argues for a while, but because the signers of the paper want to be anonymous (because they’re scared of being accused) Danforth refuses to use the evidence

Corey gets this close to killing Putnam himself and I wish he did

So now Mary begins to give her testament, saying it’s all a lie. They bring out Abigail and her cronies because that’s professional. It comes out that Abigail was dancing in the woods, and for a second, it looks like it might be okay. 

Abigail threatens Danforth, which really shows how drunk on power she is, and how Danforth himself even seems to have a little doubt, because the second he’s threatened, he backs down and takes her side. 

Then Abigail starts accusing Mary and Mary backs down too, nearly taking her side

Abigail: Oh heavenly father, save me!  
Proctor: do y’all hear something. Sounds like a WHORE

Proctor finally realizes it’s time to use his ace card, and confesses to the affair. Abigail denies it, and Proctor says to ask his wife, because he’s spent all play saying she’s never lied and can’t lie. 

And…

You know how some movies, books or TV shows or whatever have that moment? Where if you changed that one thing, everything would have changed and been better?

...this is that moment.

Elizabeth lies, not knowing Proctor already confessed, saying there was no affair

It was actually really intense to read that, I highly recommend that. I want to see it performed live JUST to see that scene nailed because GOD IT WAS GOOD

Abigail continues to accuse Mary, and it gets more and more intense, culminating in Mary accusing Proctor to save herself

Hale finally realizes something is up, and says this is bullshit, but everyone is in way too deep now, and it’s absolute madness on the court now

The Bro Squad is thrown into jail

_Scene Two_

Sorry guys this last bit isn’t gonna be that funny because it’s sad as hell

So as it turns out, a few months later, Abigail and Mercy rob Parris blind and ran. Parris decides that maybe they shouldn’t kill everyone but Danforth is like no no no now we have too or we’ll look stupid

Hale comes in, having been busy trying to get people to confess so they can at least have their lives. He’s furious with it at this point, and decides to let Proctor see Elizabeth so they can maybe convince each other to confess so they can keep their lives

Hale is also by this point feeling very guilty, aware he helped start the hysteria, and is desperate to convince Danforth that this is all a trick, but Danforth is not down to hear reason

They bring Elizabeth out, and then Proctor. Spoiler alert: I cried in class during this. 

They discuss who has died; Rebecca Nurse is to be killed in about ten minutes, refusing to confess. Giles Corey was killed, not only because he was accused of being a witch, but because he refused to appear in court. He was killed by pressing; they piled stones on him until he died. His last words were ‘more weight’

Rest in peace Giles Corey, you and Dr. Mannette can tear it up in heaven being badasses

I’m gonna start keeping track of iconic characters, so far the only two are Dr. Mannette and Giles Corey.

Proctor decides to confess to witchcraft so he can have his life and save Elizabeth. 

They tell him to sign a paper saying he was performing witchcraft, and he is not eager to sign it

They bring out Rebecca Nurse, and tell her to confess as John has already done so. She refuses, and Proctor says he never saw her with Satan. Danforth is like no no she definitely is a witch

Proctor realizes that this isn’t worth it, and says no, he’s not a witch, he’s not guilty, and he never was. They drag him and Rebecca Nurse away to be hanged. 

Elizabeth watches, bitter but proud her husband has redeemed himself

The end this one hurt


	4. Dante's Inferno

Dante’s books are basically an encyclopedia. Inferno is punishment and depression, purgatory is hope and redemption, and heaven is basically like yaaay we do good things.

Fun fact; apparently (according to my formerly Catholic mother) the Catholic church treats the books as fact, when Dante LITERALLY JUST MADE IT UP AS A SELF INSERT REVENGE FANFICTION

I mean if you wanna believe in it, it’s fine, but...Dante is also ant-Semetic and Islamophobic so if you wanna put that guy on a pedastool...also, again, it’s Dante’s fanfiction

Three is a very important number in here, because three is the holy trinity. Threes keep popping up in this book, but I’m not gonna mention all of them because this book is tedious enough to read. Rhyme scheme is like triplettriplettriplet, also keeping with the 3 theme. But the hard name is tretzerina. OMG I SPELLED IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME

All together, the three books are called the Divine Comedy. Comedy as in a character experiences a fall, but he is picked up and put into happiness. All that separates it from tragedy is a happy ending in this day in age. Not like there was a whole lot of comedy then anyway.

Dante makes comedy deep bro.

Dante’s books, as mentioned, are self insert revenge fanfictions. Lol they didn’t have Wattpad. Probably because this was like 1200-1300.

First Italian civil war was Guelphs (gulfs) and Ghibellines (gibbilines). Guelphs were for the Pope, and Ghibellines were for the Holy Roman Emperor. 

Dante was into politics, and he got expelled from Florence, Italy. Dante was a white Gulf ***insert white person joke here*** and he was mad at the church for being political. He wanted stability for Florence. Dante was sent to the Pope to negotiate, and the black Gulfs ***don’t insert a joke here*** took over and kicked him out and were all like come back, I dare you.

Don’t ask me the difference between the white and black Gulfs, because I have no idea. 

Italy was fragmented. They all had different spaghetti styles or something idk. 

Dante never got together with Beatrice, this girl he had seen a few times, but he was in love with her I guess, despite the fact he had seen her like eight times. But dun dun she died, and he made necrophilic poetry. Kinda creepy. La Vita Nuova was his first poem to Beatrice, and the concept of it was ‘Beatrice is great. This poem isn’t even good enough’ which is how all writers feel. Not the creepy stalker part but you know

He had courtly love for her, which is basically one loves another who seems out of their league. It’s not physical or romantic, it’s like my celebrity crush on Zendaya. I can’t ever get to her, but she’s awesome and I love her. But like,,,it seems kinda pointless if it’s like, a real person. Because, as we all know, celebrities aren’t people. 

THE DIVINE COMEDY IS HIS POEM TO BEATRICE OMG WHAT A FANFIC.

And Beatrice represents everything good I guess, which is why-spoiler alert-she leads him through heaven as opposed to Virgil 

And Dante is in exile and while wandering he makes the Divine Comedy. 

CANTO l:

Dante begins with the “middle of his life”. He’s 35. It’s a story of all humanity’s life, and our boy Dante is having the first recorded mid-life crisis. Dante says life's a journey. He sees life as a spiral, which opens up “spiral of death” to me but whatever.

He found himself in a dark wood, off the path. Which isn’t unique. The most common interpretation is that he is a sinner now or he is just sad. A sad sinner. A sadnner. A sid. 

He is looking back on his experiences and fear. So there’s two Dantes: The fanfic insert and the really emo writer. Emo writer explains that he got lost because he wasn’t paying attention same dude.

Oh, and the dark wood is a symbol btw. It’s his confusion and exile. Like my cut from sabre line. It’s basically something bad you don’t want to think about it. It’s also sin. Most things that aren’t happy represent sin in this book

He organizes hell based on intent to sin. I think it’s funny lust isn’t far down like wHOOPS I ACCIDENTALLY RAPED A GIRL AT LEAST I’M NOT GAY AMMIRITE

(Spoiler alert-the gays are WAAAAAAY further down in hell than rapists)

The sun represents reason??? Idk no one knows. Could be a connection to Plato’s weird cave allegory. It might show we have to work to see reason, which is evident based on my chem class, but it can’t always save us.

Dante tries to climb the mountain that takes him to heaven (Mt. Delectable) because what are you gonna do. But a leopard, a lion, and she-wolf block his way. (THESE DON’T LIVE IN ITALY. DANTE IS NOT A BIOLOGIST) She-wolf is craving cause it’s female and women don’t deserve rights, leopard is duplicity because of its spots I guess, and lion is fierce cause um duh it’s a lion. As mentioned, the hell circle goes from least bad at the top, and worst are at the bottom. **Update: lions died out in 100 BCE in italy, and leopards were kept as pets around Dante’s time like that one time so okay. And wolves exist there duh.**

And suddenly-BOOM. SOMEONE IS THERE. IT’S THE GHOST OF VIRGIL. DANTE’S LIKE OMG VIRGIL I’M LIKE YOUR BIGGEST FAN. Virgil is the Roman Homer, and since Dante is Italian he likes him.

Virgil wrote the Aeneid in case anyone cares. The Aeneid is about this son of Aphrodite named Aeneas who goes on an adventure to found Rome while ripping off first the Odyssey and then the Iliad

Virgil is like ‘okay loser there’s a different way so come on let’s go to hell, purgatory and heaven’ and Dante is like sure okay. And then Virgil is like oh I can’t take you to heaven cause poetry can’t get you there but bOY BEATRICE CAN. (AKA love can)

CANTO ll:

The sun is setting, and so are his hopes and dreams like that of a college student in winter. Also the air is brown with sin so yeah I guess. That sounds like a health hazard which normally isn’t a problem but Dante’s alive so it’s probably a problem for him. Also the air being ‘brown with sin’ brings up bathroom humor that would make Shrek blush

HE IS READY TO GO TO HELL AND FREAK OUT AND HE’S KIND OF A WIMP SO HE’S NERVOUS. DIGGING DEEP INTO HIS MEMORIES LIKE I’M NOT GONNA STOP NOT GONNA STOP ‘TIL I GET MY SHOT. HE ALSO CALLS ON THE MUSES, SPECIFICALLY MEMORY, WHO I THINK IS CALLED MNEMOSYNE BUT IDK.

“Hey Virgil why do you trust me on this scary journey. Like jeez, how should I expect to do this. Why am I on the same level as Paul and Aeneas? This is gonna be gory, how will I not freak out? You get me, right man?” Basically Dante has decided ‘hoo boy did I make a mistake’

“Well Dante, I can see you’re a coward. Lots of people are. It’s just your imagination. I can make this wimpiness you have disappear, and I’ll tell you how I know you and why I pity you. Also, unrelated, but I was in Limbo, which is different than Purgatory. I can get out of Limbo when Jesus comes, I’m sooooo pumped man. Beatrice rung me up, she’s so hot btw, and told me to help you.”

HOT TAKE OF THE DAY: Dante’s Inferno but Beetlejuice is guiding him instead

CANTO III:

ABANDON ALL HOPE YE(ET) WHO ENTER HERE. 

Satan wrote the description on the gate. He’s like “yeah I messed up. God has justice, he knew I wanna gonna rebel against him. His love always existed since like forever. Also he’s crazy smart. Bad stuff will exist forever lol you got no hope.” 

“Welcome to hell!”  
“Why do I hear so much screaming?”  
“THIS IS HELL YOU IDIOT WHAT THE HERE DID YOU EXPECT.”

There’s naked dudes getting eaten by gadflies, hornets, and worms but I’m not sure why? Is this like hell’s receptionist room? Well, it’s more like the people who just aren’t all for Christianity-so like atheists-even though they had an opportunity. They get to leave hell, however, when Jesus comes back for the Rapture. 

“Don’t ask questions-”  
“Hey Virgil why-”  
“LITERALLY SHUT UP.”

Charon pops up like ‘get in losers we’re going shopping’

Apparently this boat ride with Charon is terrifying because Dante passes out what a wimp

CANTO IV:

Dante’s AWAKE BECAUSE SOMEONE GRABBED HIM AND JARRED HIM AWAKE

While J-Man climbs up, bearing the sins of humanity, Dante goes down, bearing the sins of himself. Pretty sure it’s sacrilegious to compare yourself to Jesus so either Dante is rolling in the grave at the analysis or he’s snickering to himself

Dante is on the brink of a valley that’s pretty sketchy. (There’s a whole allusion to Lancelot there but whatever)

Limbo how low can you goooooooooo

“Let’s go.”  
“Wait Virgil you look scared pLEASE I NEED YOUR SUPPORT.”  
“NO ITS PITY IDIOT”

People in limbo are either polytheistic and unable to be Christians due to location or babies who died before they were baptized and/or circumcised if male. SO I GUESS A BUNCH OF BABIES JUST ROT IN HELL UH OKAY

Apparently those great Jewish peeps in the lineage of Jesus get to go to heaven

The cool important people who left a good mark on the world and were smart get a boon in hell. Also apparently everyone loves Virgil I guess. Homer is irritated cause Virgil ripped off his books.

In case you wanted to know who the poets are:  
HOMER DID ODYSSEY AND ILIAD   
HORACE IS A SATIRIST   
OVID DOES LOVE AND ELEGY   
LUCAN IS WAR AND HISTORY AND YEAH 

Dante gets to hang out with all the poets. A DEAD POET’S SOCIETY YOU MIGHT SAY **AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY**

(^I stole that joke)

Oh and then he names off a bunch of mythological heroes he likes and some science and math dudes and some philosophers. They’re in Happy Hell ™ because he likes them.

If you want to know who they are, use wikipedia because I can tell you right now I am not gonna tell you every single person Dante talks to or else we will never leave

CANTO V:

Okay so Minos is half snake. He judges them and sends them to a certain circle by wrapping his snake tail around himself, like he’ll wrap it twice to send you to circle two

Once judged, you either pop off to your punishment if lucky, or he flicks you away with his tail ahaha

“‘Bout to judge you.”  
“Nope not today Minos.”  
“WHAT”

There’s a lot of screaming. Wow I wonder why

Okay so the punishment for the lusty and stuff is to be blown around eternally. They probably bang in the air tbh

Okay you sexist twerp why is it mostly chicks there.

Awww there are two who are holding onto each other. How cute. The chick is named Francesca and the dude is Paolo. 

Actually it’s not cute they’re forced to be together forever. Hope they actually do love each other.

Okay so basically they were reading together and had sex. 

They come across Dido-a character in the Aenead-and even though Dido killed herself, she goes to the second circle instead of the suicide forest because her greater sin was lust. Also because Dante said so

A few others are Helen/Paris, Achilles, Cleopatra, and Tristan. (Tristan was a knight of the round table even though he sounds like a high school football player)

It’s interesting he put Achilles there because he only died when he went to fight for his best “buddy” Patroclus. HMMMMMMM 

None of the souls want to take responsibility for their actions, just like everyone else on this planet

Francesca thinks he came to visit her. She believes that she can bargain her way out of hell if she just asks nicely basically. Although she is an elegant little speaker

She and Paolo were killed by Francesca’s angry husband when he found them banging, which like, is he in hell? I feel like that’s an overreaction.

Dante feels sorry for her even though he shouldn't. I mean I feel kinda sorry for her. She can be shamed and scorned but killing???? Uh

DANTE FAINTS AGAIN JEEZ

CANTO VI:

Dante wakes up from fainting for the second time.

It’s very rainy so picture Seattle but not Seattle (because it’s hell). This is where gluttons go

And then there’s Cerberus. He’s got three heads, in case you didn’t know. Each head probably represents something but I’m not sure

Cerberus wants to eat Dante and Virgil but Virgil chucks dirt at Cerberus like go fetch. This works (????)

There’s this guy named Ciacco and he was a glutton and he predicts Dante’s banishment from Florence. You know, the one that already happened.

CANTO VII:

So bada bing bada boom they go to the next circle where this guy named Plutus is yelling ‘Pape Satan, Aleppe!’ and I have no idea what this means and apparently neither does the rest of the world. 

Plutus tells Dante that he’ll be alright and then immediately stops being friendly and tells Dante to buck up or shut up.

So these guys being punished here get the Sisyphus treatment; they’re hoarders and spenders (at what point does spending become a sin) who have to roll big-ass boulders all day long. If we’re going by Sisyphus analysis, I think this means all their treasures were useless in life so now their punishment is to do some useless in death. But hey what the hell do I know

Dante feels sorry for the souls again and Virgil is like dude, once again, they deserve it. And Dante’s like can I talk to them? And Virgil is like no if you go to talk to someone every time you recognize them we’re never gonna get out of here

So they mosey on over to the river Styx (why does he keep ripping off Greco-Roman mythology I-) and there’s a bunch of naked dudes (they’re naked of course) just freaking whaling on each other as punishment for their anger. Emo people being punished for being sullen are kinda just chilling at the bottom sharing their crappy poetry.

CANTO VIII:

So Dante and Virgil come up to a high tower and Dante is a little confused as to why the tower from Tangled is in hell. First they need to get a ride across Styx, and the duo gets a lift from a friendly ferryman name Phlegyas, who in mythology torched the temple of Apollo for...some reason it doesn’t matter. Point is he’s an angry guy so that’s why he hangs around these other rageaholics in the Styx even though he isn’t really being punished

Dante gets bugged by a dead guy, and Dante realizes this guy is Filippo Argenti, a guy who told him he couldn’t come back to Florence. Dante tells him to screw off and Argenti tries to strangle him, but is fended off by Virgil

Unrelated but Virgil also gives Dante a kiss and I feel like we need to be aware of this

So they make it across the river, and come to the entrance of the city of Dis. This is the point where the sins start getting worse, and more intentional. (At least according to Dante)

A few monsters are like hey who are you scram and Virgil is like ahem actually I’m supposed to be here. The monsters (fallen angels) slam the door in his face

Dante is like mmm I think we should leave and Virgil is like oh no no they challenged me now it’s personal

CANTO IX:

So the Furies pop out and start bullying Dante and Virgil because uhhhhh idk

The Furies are like we called Medusa and Virgil is like oh shit and covers Dante’s eyes

Lucky for them, an angel appears and saves them, then the angel proceeds to verbally tear the fallen angels a new one so Dante and Virgil continue

The first guys up are the heretics, being punished by being stuck in flaming coffins. 

CANTO X:

Dante chats with one guy in his coffin who asks Dante about his heritage, and then another guy who’s son is Dante’s friend, Guido. (???)

Guido’s dad asks Dante why his son isn’t with him, and Dante’s like dude idk. This makes Guido’s dad think his son is dead and he starts crying

The other guy is like lol that’s wild and they chat a little longer about politics because this is hell

CANTO XI:

Dante immediately damns a pope named Anastasius to hell for unclear reasons. 

Virgil explains the circles of hell devoted to violence are divided up into three categories; violence against others, violence against oneself, and violence against God. (?!?! He’s GOD how can you be violent to GOD)

Okay okay so you can commit violence against God by the following; blasphemy (fuck), defiling nature (using up fossils fuels rn), and being not heterosexual (( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°))

Also, the final two circles after violence is lying and any sort of subset of violence, and betrayal

And Dante is like well some people might do this without meaning to due to insanity or whatever. How does God know which is intentional or not? And Virgil is like he’s God dumbass he just knows

Also usury (lending money for a profit) is a sin because Dante is anti-Semetic 

Canto XII:

So after Dante and Virgil sneak past the Minotaur (?) they come to a boiling river of blood, guarded by centaurs. The river is punishment violent conquerors, because they caused so much blood to shed in life and...irony I guess 

Chiron the centaur freaks out because Dante is alive and almost shoots them, but Virgil stops him. Nessus the centaur gives them a ride across the blood river

The only important people here are Alexander the Great and Attila the Hun.

CANTO XIII:

Ohhhh it’s my least favorite one. Welcome to the suicide forest

Also the tree thorns are poisonous. And Harpies make nests in the trees.

Dante accidentally breaks off a branch and the tree is like dude wtf.

Also there’s a long description of how the souls are tortured which seems really excessive and cruel

CANTO XIV:

Dante and Virgil give a talking bush it’s leaves back (what is Dante smoking) and continue on. 

This is where all the bankers, blasphemers and gays go. First up is the blasphemers who lay down on the sand while it rains fire. There’s a king named Capaneus who invaded Thebes and is not sorry

CANTO XV:

So now they enter the second part of this circle where the Sodomites are (the gays). Dante meets some dude he knows named Brunetto Latini and they talk for a bit

Kinda bold of Dante to damn gays to hell when he so obviously wants to bang Virgil but go off I guess

Anyway that’s it

CANTO XVI:

Still in the gay center (that’s what I’m calling it) some dudes from Florence ask Dante how Florence is doing and he tells them it’s not going great and they get sad.

Then Virgil takes Dante belt (oh God-) and throws it in a river to attract a monster (oh-)

CANTO XVII:

So they take a ride on monster man and end up with the usurers (tax people) and that’s it. They don’t even talk to anyone. 

Also the monster is named Geryon

CANTO XVIII:

This chunk of hell, the eighth circle, is called the Malebolge, which means the Evil Pouch which is hilarious. This area is for liars of all kinds.

The first area is for pimps and seducers, who are being whipped. Jason from Greek mythology is there for some reason, but that’s mostly because Dante didn’t like Greeks because according to the Aeniad-which was written by his celebrity crush Virgil-says the Greeks burned Troy down and the one survivor founded Rome. It seemed convoluted but eh. There’s actually a lot of Greek heroes here that I didn’t mention because I don’t really care.

The second area is for flatters, who are punished by being forced to literally eat shit. Dante doesn’t show a lot of cleverness for his punishments but this is hilarious (but also gross)

CANTO XIX:

Somehow Dante knows the third section is for simoniacs (dudes who sold positions of power) and immediately says it’s awful to do that. 

Sometimes Dante really shows you this is his revenge fanfic, and this is one of those moments

So the punishments here is that people are buried upside down and their feet are set on fire. Dante finds a pope named Nicholas he doesn’t like, and Nicholas tells Dante that a living pope he doesn’t like (Boniface) will join him here soon

Tl;dr: Dante wrote the original My Immortal

CANTO XX:

In the fourth section, magicians, astrologers, and diviners live here with their heads snapped backwards because they always pretended to look forward so now they always have to look back. Dante helpfully tells us that as they cry, their tears of pain fall on their bare asses.

Did I mention everyone is still naked? Everyone is still naked.

Dante feels bad for them for a second and then Virgil yells at him

Keep that in mind, astrology girls: next time you tells me I’m being a bitch because Mercury is in retrograde or whatever you’re just one step closer to getting your neck snapped

CANTO XXI:

So in the fifth section, we see a boiling pit of tar guarded by these demons called the Malebranche. The Malebranche are surprisingly friendly and offer to help Dante and Virgil in their journey. They probably don’t get many visitors. 

CANTO XXII:

Dante tries to talk to a soul in the tar and the demons pull him out so Dante can talk to him, but then they immediately start chewing on him. The guy manages to escape and dive back into the tar pool, but the demons follow and get stuck in the tar themselves

Slapstick amirite

CANTO XXIII:

The demons blame Dante and Virgil and chase them out of their section, and Virgil has to scoop Dante up and slide down a mountain to escape with him

Idk man sounds kinda gay to me-

In the sixth section, hypocrites are punished by making wearing super heavy lead clothing that’s gilded with gold to represent the weight of their sins and stuff idk I’m tired and sICK OF READING THIS BOOK MAKE IT STOP-

CANTO XXIV:

In the sixth section, Dante and Virgil have some trouble passing rough terrain before they make it to a pit of snakes that houses the thieves. If the thieves are bitten, they catch fire and burn up, and are then turned back to normal so they can do the whole thing again

CANTO XXV:

One guy in the pit flips God the bird and is immediately bitten

Dante watches a giant snake turn into a guy and three guys turn into a snake

It’s very Tim Burton-esque

CANTO XXVI:

Dante realizes how many guys from Florence are in hell and sarcastically praises Florence for being so famous in hell

They come across Odysseus and Diomedes (Diomedes is a guy from the Iliad) who are burning up in their own personal bubble of fire for unknown reasons, and the most likely reason is Dante doesn’t like them

CANTO XXVII:

Dante meets a guy

CANTO XXVIII:

The ninth section is filled with people who helped split the Christian faith and stuff, and Mohammend, the founder of Islam, is here because Dante is an asshole and I’m very sorry to anyone who is Muslim who reads the book or this summary. Trust me, I’m not happy with it either.

The punishment here is to constantly be hacked apart by swords and then magically put back together.

CANTO XXIX:

Virgil tells Dante to stop being so slow and Dante ignores him. They come to the tenth section (hopefully final section) where alchemists and those who commit heresy are held are held. They are constantly diseased

CANTO XXX:

Also in this section are those who falsified themselves (oh do cosplayers go here?)

(It’s a joke I’ve cosplayed too)

The people here tear each other apart with their teeth (?!)

CANTO XXXI:

Dante and Virgil come across some biblical giants who lower them into the final and ninth circle of hell (FINALLY)

CANTO XXXII:

Dante says this next part is soooooo scary he doesn’t have words for it. Traitors reside here, frozen in ice. Dante accidentally kicks someone, and goes to apologize. However. He realizes he doesn’t like this guy and proceeds to bEAT HIM UP YO WHAT

Dante comes across another guy who’s chewing on someone’s head and asks what’s up

CANTO XXXIII:

The guy says his name is Count Ugliano (pfft) and he betrayed someone and was locked up with his sons. His sons died of starvation, so he ate them.

Virgil tells Dante something big is coming up now

CANTO XXXIV:

FINAL CANTO YEEHAW

So Virgil and Dante meets Satan, who is also frozen in ice. Satan has three heads, each chewing on someone different. In the center head is Judas, that guy who betrayed Jesus, and the side heads are Brutus and Cassius, who killed Caesar.

Dante and Virgil then climb down/up Satan’s ass (the geography isn’t clear) and emerge in Purgatory to continue the next book which I do not wish to cover.

THE END THANK GOD


End file.
